That’s the Tea sis #2: At the end of the day, you have to save yourself

After nearly a year of intense anxiety, poor self-esteem and a terrible relationship with food, I had an epiphany. Actually, not quite. It wasn’t a jesus-clouds-filled-the-sky-and-Mufasa’s-spirit-said-“REMEMBAH WHO YOU ARE”-epiphany, it was an epiphany that I had been sitting on all along that I just wasn’t recognizing. I was feeling so low that I knew I needed to find a way out, but that’s just it. I didn’t need to find a way out of my pit of self-yuck, I had the way out of my pit of self-yuck. I didn’t need to get my power back, I had the power the whole time. I had all of the little seeds of GROWTH, and SELF-LOVE, and MOJO and BAD-ASSERY inside of me, I was just too afraid and too deep in my pit of self-yuck to belly-up-to-the-bar and start watering and caring for them. Let me explain.

When I uncovered my epiphany at long last, I was bawling my eyes out to my mother over the phone. In order to help me get my struggles off of my chest she suggested that I vent out all of the things that were bothering me and be super raw and honest about all of them. I detailed my injuries, my binge-eating, my self-loathing towards my body, my struggles with comparison, my poor sleep schedule, and how I felt anxious in nearly every waking moment. Then, we discussed how all of these issues have solutions, for example; I’m getting progressively closer to running through working with the Athletic Trainers, I’m working on my body image and anxiety with a therapist, and, at the time, had an upcoming appointment with a nutritionist to sort out some of my dietary logistics.

My mother then really yanked back the metaphorical curtains that were shielding my epiphany from view when she coined the idea of a self-yuck-pit. She explained how I was in this self-yuck-pit that was a negative, shady hole-in-the-ground that was too high for someone with my frame of mind to haul myself out of, by myself. Key words, by myself. She then noted how I have incredible friends, family members, coaches, mentors, and professionals who have built me a metaphorical ladder that has been lowered into the pit next to me. This “ladder” is, in reality, made up of advice, support, help, and positive outlets that are being offered to me in order to help me overcome my struggles. The final ingredient in this equation is for me to simply grab onto the ladder and start climbing out of my self-yuck-pit. I have all of the help I need and all of the tools I require, I just need to commit and get. On. The ladder!

My mother went on to describe how some days, it may be really hard to stick to the ladder, AKA stick to loving myself and going to PT and eating an amount of food that will make me feel good, not gross. She said that I need to “cut off the sand bags” that are hindering my ascent up the ladder; my binge-eating, my self-deprecating comments, and social-media related habits that make me think ill of myself, etc. I discussed this idea of the self-yuck-pit with my therapist here at college, and she helped me to further explore the metaphor. She has encouraged me to ask myself “Is this going to help me reach my goals?” before I make/eat/not eat/do/watch/experience something that may not be a positive choice/may not help me up my ladder. This self-reflecting question has proved to be an extremely productive one for me, and while some days I get further out of the self-yuck-pit than others and while some days I even take a step backwards, I am proud to say that I am on my ladder and I have reclaimed my power. I was able to do this because after months of unhealthy habits that were leaving me starving for self-love, I realized that all of my unhealthy habits simply make me feel unhappy. And anxious. And upset. So I needed to cut those sand bags loose if I wanted to get climbing up my ladder!!

On my road to self-love, I learned many important lessons this year, one of which I’m going to highlight in this blog entry. While I was dealing with all of my internal turmoil, I was “pushing” to keep up with relationships, friendships, academic work, you name it. Though it sounds backwards, I learned that I need to make an effort to be more selfish and less selfless in the future. I discovered this when one of my professors asked her students what we want to do better/more of in the future. Looking back, I think I was supposed to tie my answer in with the subject of that course, but I interpreted her question on a much more personal level and wrote down how I want to take better care of myself so that I can best serve those around me. We went around the room and shared our ideas aloud, and when I said mine our professor went to the board and drew four concentric circles. Using the idea I had shared as her starting blocks, she went on to describe how we, each one of her students, are like the first little ripple that starts after a stone is tossed into a pond or a wishing well (the inner circle in the set of four circles). The subsequent ripples (the larger surrounding concentric circles) are the influences we have on our family, friends, work, etc. If our first little circle, us, is weak, the resulting circles will suffer. Our professor visually illustrated how if we cannot be positive, strong and supportive to ourselves, than our capacity to be positive, strong and supportive to others (create big ripples) is depleted. In closing, she noted how being selfish is the best thing you can do for those around you, for if you are taking good care of yourself than you are in the best form to take good care of others. This metaphor was very enlightening for me and is one that I reflect on often.

Whether you identify with the self-yuck-pit-ladder metaphor more or the ripple-effect idea, (or both like me!) know that self-care and self-love are ever-fluctuating conditions within us that are difficult to maintain. If you are trying to climb your ladder out of your self-yuck-pit, I commend you. If you are trying to be more selfish and set aside you-time for yourself, I salute you. We must first love ourselves before loving others. In closing for this entry, I’m going to quote the final few lines of my college essay from nearly two years ago that chronicled my struggles with body image and the sport of running: “I am fastest when the weight that appears on the scale does not determine the happiness of my day. I am courageous when I feel confident in the figure that I was blessed with without feeling jealous of others. Last but not least, I am most positive when food is my friend and not my foe. Now when I tie my laces, I feel excited and prepared, for I have discovered strength in self-love.” Here’s to rediscovering that strength and finding that self-love again!