That's the Tea Sis #7 : Refrigerators, Denial, and Effort, OH MY!

Denial. “Failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism.” Denial of a breakup. Denial that your mental health is rough. Denial of your athletic amenorrhea. Denial of your lack of Christmas shopping. Denial over the death of a pet. Denial is like sweeping a curtain that is painted to look like a blue sky with fluffy clouds over a great big messy refrigerator. You convince yourself that you don’t have the time, energy, or mental-capacity to cleanit up, so you coverit up. It looksnice from the outside. It’s easy to walk by without giving it a second thought…That is, until you start to smell the refrigerator as things start to surpass their due-date and you realize that you have no choice but to faceits contents, pull back the curtain, and clean it out. Denial. Can. Suck. My. Toe.

In my first year-and-a-half of college I have experienced denial in so many forms so frequently that it almost feels like a default-setting in my mind. Denial about how much homework I have. Denial about my eating disorder. Denial about my feelings for a boy. Denial about my injuries. The list goes on. When I’m in denial over something, my blue-fluffy-cloud-curtain also comes in many forms. Sleeping in. Not journaling. Dancing in my room. Staying up late and socializing. Overeating. For me and for most, blue-fluffy-cloud-curtains are meant to distract us from our messy refrigerators and encourage to keep living our lives as though nothing is wrong. The examples that I gave provide me with brief-highs that seem curing in the moment, but deep down I know that they are “defense mechanisms” used to avoid larger, deeper issues.

Ultimately, our blue-fluffy-cloud-curtains are well-intentioned, they only want to help ease our suffering by sidetracking us to do activities to detract from greater sadnesses we may be harboring. Though they are bright and beautiful, blue-fluffy-cloud-curtains do us no favors. With time, we find that we can’t stand the smell of our refrigerators and can no longer persuade ourselves from leaving it unattended and unorganized.

Since I’ve been home on break, I’ve been in denial over a couple things, but mostly in regards to my running progression after a hip-injury. I’ve been staying up late and socializing, avoiding my PT, and listening to music during runs going at pace that is far too fast for someone at my level of fitness. These habits make up my blue-fluffy-cloud-curtain. Everything kinda-sorta seems okay, but deep down I can smell the fridge. Deep down I know that I’m not giving it my best effort. Deep down I know that I need to pull everything out, organize what’s inside, and chuck anything and everything that is not serving me and helping me towards my goals. But the first step in this process is pulling back that blue-fluffy-cloud-curtain. And it’s the hardest step.

If you find yourself in the same place I am, I encourage us both to WHIP back our blue-fluffy-cloud-curtains! But if it’s the hardest step in facing denial, so how can we convince ourselves to DO it? Ask yourself, how am I doing with my yucky fridge versus how would I be doing after I cleaned it out? I know for me that when I am in denial (have a nasty fridge) that I’m 1035x more anxious and socially insecure. In essence, my confidence drops BIG time. I’m also less motivated. I also feel as though I’m living unintentionally and as though I’m hiding a great big secret. My half-assery is positively RAGING. I also feel as though my interactions with my friends aren’t genuine and that I’m putting up a layer of artificial-me-ness to protect myself. It’s GROSS.

Then, when I whip back the blue-fluffy-cloud-curtain and clean my fridge, I feel EMPOWERED. I’m facing the fact that I’ve been hiding some bad juju and I’m taking RESPONSIBILITY for it. My confidence is off-the-charts. I walk into the dining hall like I own the place. I roll up to practice ready to TEAR up the track because I find STRENGTH in the fact that I’ve been doing my PT and I’ve been ACTIVELY taking care of myself. Sounds WHALES better than living with that blue-fluffy-cloud-curtain, right?

To me, denial can sometimes come hand-in-hand with EFFORT. When I know I’m TRYING and I’m consciously working HARD towards my goals, I feel as though I’m on-top-of-the-world. But I’m able to TRY and consciously work HARD only AFTER I pull back my blue-fluffy-cloud-curtain and address my stanky-ass-fridge-situation. Here are some examples…

When I KNOW I’m fueling my body properly and when I KNOW I’m doing my PT I feel SO much more body-positive and BADASS! I put on my clothes and look at myself in the mirror (“Soulmate” by Lizzo BLASTING in the background) and I feel like a kuh-WEEN because I KNOW that the internal hard-work is going to pay off and I’m PROUD of what’s going on behind the scenes and I TRUST the process! Well let’s say I put on the same outfit, (same song BLASTING in the background), but I KNOW that I have not been fueling my body properly and I KNOW that I haven’t been doing my PT and I feel like a dum-EEE because I KNOW that I haven’t been putting in the internal hard-work and that I’m actively NOT making decisions that are going to PROPEL me towards my goals.

Same goes for grades. Let’s say you STUDY like a frick-frackin-GENIUS, you READ those readings, you PARTICIPATE in class and have PASSION about it and you get a B. You’re proud of yourself! You gave an A+ effort and, though your grade doesn’t reflect that, you KNOW the time, energy, and thought that you gave to that class. Now, let’s think of the same class, but you don’t often study like a frick-frackin-genius, you don’t really read those readings, and you online shop in class but you get an A+. You probably feel sorta ashamed and guilty because you KNOW that you don’t deserve that grade.

Same goes for running. If I KNOW that I’ve been sleeping enough, PT-ing enough, and rolling enough, I FEEL like an Olympian while I workout! Doesn’t matter if it’s 7-minute pace or 17-minute pace, I KNOW I’m putting in the work that is going to fortify my feisty frame! Similarly to the outfit example, when I KNOW that I haven’t been sleeping enough, PT-ing enough, or rolling enough, I FEEL ashamed while I workout, because I KNOW I haven’t been putting in the work that is going to fortify my feisty frame! When we DO good, we FEEL good. Sure, I’m a BIG believer in “look-good-feel-good”, but when we are THRIVING on the INSIDE we shoot sunshine out of our faces, hence another GREAT saying (and classic-basic-girl-insta-caption) “you glow different when you’re doing better”.

When I’m not in denial and I’m working hard, I’m full to the brim. When I amin denial, I am not fulfilling my potential and I am functioning below-capacity. Recently, a friend of mine asked if I still run for Bates and it seriously hurt my feelings. Because I haven’t been on my A-game with my progression plan, my PT, and my lifting, it felt like an insult. If, in the week or two leading up to this totally-normal-fine-question-to-ask-a-friend I’d been GRINDING away with my workouts and feeling GLORIOUS and NOT-in-denial I wouldn’t have given his question a second thought. When we are in denial/not living purposefully/half-assing things we feel INSECURE (yucky-smell-leaking-out-of-nasty-fridge) because we KNOW that we aren’t trying our best, being our best, and LIVING our best. When we are out-of-denial/living MASSIVELY-intentionally/full-kim-k-assing things we feel MIGHTY and ALL-POWERFUL.

So ask yourself...

Why do I choose to put up that fluffy-blue-cloud-curtain?

What’s behind it that I'm so afraid of?