That's the Tea Sis #6: sticks and stones may break my bones but words can always hurt me

“Ugh, I have a test today I’m going to kill myself.”

A text from your friend saying, “Mom won’t let me come because I didn’t finish my chores, kms.”

A teammate after seeing the workout mimicking a gun with their hand and placing their fingers up against their face.

Comments, be they physical or verbal, like these may not bother you at all. Maybe they bother you a lot. Maybe you say them. I remember saying something to a friend at a birthday party in middle school along the lines of “Well maybe you should kill yourself” after they did something silly. At the time, that was a phrase that was readily used in our friend group. Their older brother was in the room and said to me “You should never say that, I have a friend who was suicidal.” I distinctly recall a shrinking feeling washing over me, I instantly apologized and realized just how offensive what I had said was. Throughout high school I steered away from using the phrase, but only during my first year of college when I first considered self-harm did I actually realize the full weight and power that those sort of phrases have.

You never think you’ll ever feel that bad, until you do. I was suicidal in early winter of 2018. My tendinitis seemed to be stagnant and un-improving, my academic work was difficult to say the least, and I was struggling with a relationship. Though I am known for my bubbly, “extra” personality and excessive socialness I was only doing work in my room, avoiding social situations, not taking good care of myself, bingeing, staying up late, and feeling very isolated. I believe that my time away from a team was a huge hole in my heart and combined with my injury, my hiatus with running was really starting to chew away at me.

I felt extremely hopeless. It’s quite scary looking back through my journal because my handwriting even looked different during this time. My handwriting.I wrote about how unmotivated I felt, how getting out of bed took SO much effort and I seemed to be sleepy all of the time, and how I was extremely sensitive to the smallest of puns or jabs. I was also in denial of how poorly I felt and would avoid journaling because it would make me face my feelings. In one entry I wrote : “I just feel so anxious and insecure and I feel as though I’m starting to doubt myself socially.” And in another I wrote “I don’t even feel like writing about this because I just don’t know what it’ll do to help me.” I was in an extremely fragile and anxious state and very few people knew. I owe so very much to two very close friends of mine that were aware along with my sister, therapist, and later, my parents.

The peak, or rather the valley, of my low-feeling-phase last year culminated one night in early December. This night would be my third and final truly dangerous encounter with suicidal thoughts. I drove to a spot from my childhood near my home and seriously considered ending my life. It is by far the scariest moment I have experienced in my eighteen years. The sort of thoughts and behaviors I was considering are so foreign to me now, but I remember that night vividly. I remember looking up at the sky and praying before driving home.

I don’t share this part of my life for pity or for attention, I share it because it is a part of my journey.

Some things that I learned since this patch of my life:

1) Life is SO worth living, and this planet is SO incredibly fortunate to have YOU on it.

2) You are SO loved by SO many people.

3) There are so many, many, MANY wonderful reasons to live. After my first suicidal episode I put together an album on my phone with pictures of my favorite people and memories to look at when I start to feel bad. I also wrote a gratitude assessment (a list of things that I appreciate) and a list of things that I want to do in my life and have not done yet (be a mom, run in the Olympic Trials, etc.).

4) It gets better. It gets SO much better. Looking back on the past seven months I can think of countless memories, experiences and magical moments that I wouldn’t have gotten the privilege of having if I had taken my life. It gets SO much better.

5) GET. HELP. Tell your mom. Your uncle. You brother. Your roommate. Your friend. Your girlfriend. Right. Now. Suicide and self-harm is serious and it’s VITAL that you don’t brave the storm alone.

6) Having a therapist shouldn’t make you feel like you’ve failed on your own so now you need help, it should make you feel like you SUCCEEDED because you realized and ACCEPTED that you need help. Plus, THEY’RE DREAMWORKERS.

7) Now looking through my journal (my handwriting has gotten back to its curvy funkadelic self) I have many an entry where I write something like “Window is open for the first time this spring! Listening to the Dixie Chicks! I’m so thankful that I did not take my life.” Or “Braided Person X’s hair at the MIT meet and got my first sunburn of the season. I’m so grateful for this life.” Not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate the fact that I didn’t let one of my suicidal episodes get the best of me. I could literally cry right now out of gratitude for that fact. I am here. I am awesome. And I have SO much living to do!

8) Mental Health Awareness is way more than the sticker you get at the Bates Activities Fair that’s on your Nalgene. Mental Health Awareness is way more than buying something from Lush and putting it on your Instagram story with the caption “self-care”. Mental Health Awareness is asking yourself how you’re doing. Like, how you’re reallydoing. Mental Health Awareness is asking your friends how they’re doing. Like, how they’re reallydoing. It’s scary and awkward and sometimes people get defensive, but it is the actions and words we use towards ourselves and others that come from the heartthat change lives and savelives, not the materialistic possessions or half-assed conversations we have over Snapchat. Be rawand check in with your people. Put the actin activist. It sounds cheesy. It’s not. It’s. Not

.

9) I feel embarrassed for having been suicidal. I feel embarrassed when I tell people I have binge-eating disorder. But I SHOULDN’T. I remind myself that my issues are LEGIT. Your issues are VALID and REAL.

10)I recall hanging out with one of my closest friends this summer and talking with her about each of our respective struggles we had during our first year of college. I kept tiptoeing around my eating issues and the fact that I’d considered taking my life, which in my mind were my “elephants in the room”. Then, I was caught off guard when she eluded to the fact that she had been suicidal too. I was strengthened by her honesty and seized the moment, admitting that I considered suicide. It was as though a levee had broken. A great weight fell away from me and we wound up talking about it for another twenty minutes. While it is such a bitter topic, it is soimportant to start a conversation and it is soempowering when you realize you’re not alone in your struggles.

11)^^^ Never feel that if someone brings your mental health issue(s) up that you need to sugarcoat it and give them the PG version. The level of privacy that you maintain with your struggles is completely up to you but know that sharing with someone who you trust will help you immensely.

12) Depression. Eating disorders. Anxiety. And suicidal thoughts look different on EVERYONE. Don’t ever feel like you don’t “fit the part” and invalidate yourself in the process. After posting my first two blogs I received a couple messages from people saying how they “would’ve never guessed I felt so bad or was struggling so much because [I’m] Mary Richardson.” And that’s fair. 98% of the time I have straight sunshine shooting out my a**. That doesn’t mean I’m alwayshappy though. Never make assumptions. Maybe you are quiet and reserved and tend to read and stay at home more than your friends do. That doesn’t mean you’re depressed. Maybe your friend reveals to you that he has an eating disorder when he looksperfectly healthy to you and the rest of your friends. The football player. The pre-med scholar at the Ivy League school. The janitor. Your best friend on the swim team. Mental health issues have no lookand can affect anyone. Be judgment free towards yourself and towards others.

13)Imagine your mind is a garden. If you’re feeling depressed, angsty, anxious, upset, or angry, imagine that those yucky feelings are weeds in your garden. Pull them out! Recognize what things, activities, people, and feelings trigger you and give ‘em the yank before they turn the rest of your garden sour.

14)Having a mental health issue(s) doesn’t make you “messed up”, “weak”, or “soft”. Having a mental health issues(s) doesn’t make you a “p***y” nor does it mean that “you need to grow a pair”. All of these labels and sayings come from a place of ignorance and lack of kindness.

15)Relating back to the introduction, be conscious of your words and how you use them. Phrases such as “I’m going to kill myself” said in a light-hearted tone, or “Oh my gosh if I eat thatI’ll get so so fat” or “Quit fussing and stop worrying!” are, quite frankly, inconsiderate even though they may not come from a malicious place. Simple phrases can have significantimpacts. Be thoughtful.

16)Be kind to yourself. That interview. That team dinner. That presentation. That race. That game. That meet. That performance. That conference. That phone call. That event. Are all miles less important than YOU and your WELLNESS. Be kind to yourself.

17)After a rough breakup one of my nearest and dearest sent me a package, and among the contents was a stack of index cards with silly stories, quotes from teachers, and songs from our years in high school. Two of said quotes read :

“Even if the sun is hiding behind a cloud, it is always there. And it will always come out again.”

“I have a very strong philosophy of life – it all boils down to ‘after the storm there’s a golden sky - walk through the storm with hope in your heart’ – we all have times in our lives when all looks dark – in the present and the future – but isn’t it true that we only know what is in the present– we cannot see around the corner of the future – it is an unknown facet of life – so why say that the future looks hopeless, why not instead look forward in hope – not hope based on known plans but hope based on something unknown – on a belief in that golden sky.”

18)Hotlines worth knowing :

Suicide – 800-273-8255

LGBTQ Support – 800-246-7743

Depression – 800-640-5174

Self-Harm – 877-455-0628

Grief Support – 650-321-5272

Eating Disorders – 844-228-2962

Sexual Assault - 800-656-4673

Sending you a virtual hug, and as a dear friend of mine at Bates once said to me, "I LOVE YOU OCEANS"!!